Energy and Boundaries Series: Protect, Restore, and Thrive. Part 2: “Setting Boundaries with Compassion and Clarity”
Part 2: “Setting Boundaries with Compassion and Clarity”
As holistic therapists, we’ve seen time and time again how setting boundaries transforms lives.
We’ve also seen time and again just how many of us struggle with boundaries to the point of believing we are “bad at boundaries”.
If that’s you, that’s okay and you are not alone. There are many factors that contribute to struggling with boundaries. Once you can build some insight into why boundaries are such a struggle for you, it’s easier to have compassion for yourself instead of judging and shaming yourself for being “bad at boundaries”.
In this blog we will define what boundaries are and common myths about boundaries, why many of us tend to struggle to set and maintain boundaries, why boundaries are essential for wellness and how to set boundaries with compassion and clarity.
So, What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are more than just limits – they’re essential tools for protecting our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Boundaries are simply what’s okay with you and what’s not okay with you. Boundaries are something we set with ourselves and with others. They define where we end and others begin – the point at which you can love yourself and others simultaneously – allowing us to show up authentically in our relationships while honoring our own needs.
Boundaries are what YOU will do, not what you ask others to do. Even though some of our boundaries may start with a request from someone else, we ultimately do not have control over what that other person will choose to do. They may choose to listen to you and respect your request, or, they may not. This is why it is crucial to understand that boundaries are not what you ask others to do, boundaries are what you will do.
Examples:
You: “Please stop talking about politics, let’s talk about something else.”
Other Person: “Ok yeah, no problem”
Or….
You: “Please stop talking about politics, let’s talk about something else.”
Other Person: (mocking tone) “Uh oh…someone’s getting uncomfortable because they know they’re wrong!” (continues talking about politics)
Or…
You: “If you continue to talk about politics, I am going to go for a walk.”
Other Person: (rolls their eyes, continues talking about politics)
You: (gets up and goes for a walk protecting your energy and emotional safety)
Common Myths About Boundaries
A major factor contributing to the boundary-setting struggle is the widespread belief in common myths about boundaries, which create confusion and guilt. By understanding the truths behind these misconceptions, you can approach boundary-setting with more confidence and clarity. Here are five common myths about boundaries and why they’re not true:
Myth: “Setting boundaries is selfish.”
Truth: Boundaries are not about being selfish but about self-care and respecting your own limits. They help protect you so you can meet your needs and feel safe, which allows you to show up more fully in your own life and for others.
Myth: “Boundaries push people away.”
Truth: Boundaries often strengthen relationships because they promote clarity, trust, and mutual respect. People who value you will respect your limits, and it’s often helpful for those you’re in relationships to know with clarity what’s okay with you and what isn’t, instead of having to guess.
Myth: “You only need to set boundaries with toxic people.”
Truth: Boundaries are essential in all relationships, not just with challenging individuals. They help you maintain balance and ensure your needs are met even in healthy relationships.
Myth: “Once you set a boundary, it’s permanent.”
Truth:Boundaries can and should evolve as circumstances, relationships, and personal needs change. Flexibility is a sign of healthy boundary-setting.
Myth: “If someone gets upset, your boundary is wrong.”
Truth: People may resist boundaries at first, especially if they’ve benefitted from you not having them. Others’ reactions don’t determine the validity of your boundaries.
Why We Struggle to Set Boundaries
Boundary-setting is a vital skill for emotional health and overall wellness, yet many people find it deeply uncomfortable or even impossible. From a holistic perspective, these struggles are often rooted in a combination of personal history, societal influences, and cultural conditioning. Understanding these origins can be a powerful first step in reclaiming your right to set boundaries.
Attachment Wounding - Early attachment patterns shape how we relate to others and our own selves throughout life. If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs were dismissed, or were made to feel responsible for others’ feelings, you may have learned that setting boundaries risks rejection or disconnection. This fear can persist due to these experiences happening early on and shaping your neural pathways, making it challenging to assert your needs as an adult.
Past Trauma - Trauma disrupts your sense of safety and can make you hyperaware of others’ needs while neglecting your own. People-pleasing or avoiding conflict may become survival strategies, reinforcing the belief that boundaries lead to danger or abandonment.
Cultural Conditioning - Growing up in a patriarchal culture often teaches people that it’s not okay to express needs and set boundaries. In patriarchal cultures women get taught that their value lies in selflessness and accommodation, men get taught to be the protector and provider which often means overriding their own needs and boundaries,, and folks that don’t identify within the gender binary get taught that they are wrong, bad, gross, shouldn’t exist etc. and are therefore undeserving of having needs and boundaries. Saying “no” or expressing limits may feel like defiance against deeply ingrained norms, leading to guilt, shame or being ostracized.
Family Dynamics - If you grew up in a family where boundaries were either rigid and punitive or entirely absent, you may struggle to identify and enforce healthy limits. Enmeshed family systems, where individual needs are sacrificed for the group, can also erode a sense of autonomy.
Fear of Conflict - Many people associate boundaries with confrontation, and if conflict was unsafe or unresolved in your past, you may avoid it at all costs. This can lead to overextending yourself or allowing others to cross your limits.
Lack of Role Models - Without examples of health boundary-setting, it’s difficult to develop this skill. Many people enter adulthood with no framework for recognizing, communicating, or maintaining their own limits.
This is not an exhaustive list of root causes, but some common ones, and by exploring your own root causes you can begin to dismantle the internal and external barriers to setting boundaries. Holistic approaches like mindfulness, somatic practices, and inner child work can help you reconnect with your needs and reclaim your sense of agency. Setting boundaries is not about creating walls – it’s about building pathways to deeper, healthier connections with yourself and others.
Why Boundaries Are Essential for Wellness
Preserve Energy - Without boundaries, we risk pouring our energy into people or situations that deplete us, leaving little left for ourselves. Healthy boundaries help us conserve our resources for what truly matters.
Enhance Emotional Health - Boundaries reduce stress, resentment, and burnout by creating clear expectations in relationships. They also foster self-respect and confidence.
Improve Physical Health - Chronic stress from poor boundaries can manifest as physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, or weakened immunity. By reducing stress, boundaries support overall physical well-being.
Strengthen Relationships - Clear boundaries create healthier dynamics by fostering mutual respect and understanding. They also help us navigate conflict more effectively.
How to Set Boundaries with Compassion and Clarity
Setting boundaries can feel daunting, considering the number of experiences most of us have had with not being allowed to or shown how to set boundaries, but it doesn’t have to remain daunting. Here’s a step by step guide:
Identify Your Needs
Reflect on areas where you feel drained, overwhelmed, or resentful. These feelings often signal the need for a boundary.
Ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe, respected, or supported in this situation?
Get Clear on Your Limits
Decide what’s okay and what’s not. For example, you might limit work emails after a certain hour or decline last-minute requests for help.
Be honest with yourself about your capacity and values.
**Due to past trauma, attachment injuries and internalized patriarchy many people in our society become disembodied and therefore disconnected from their core self. When this happens it can be quite difficult to know and sense what your actual capacity is, therefore before you can get clear on your limits you may need to do some healing work that involves reconnecting yourself and body.
Choose Compassionate Language
Use “I” statements to express your needs without blaming others.
Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I don’t have a chance to share my perspective”
Practice phrasing that is firm, yet kind
Examples: “I need time to think about that before I commit” or, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
Communicate Clearly and Calmly
Pick the right time to have the conversation – ideally, when both parties are calm and open.
Be direct but gentle. Avoid over-explaining or apologizing excessively.
Hold Your Ground with Love
Some people may push back or test your boundaries, especially if they’re used to you being overly accommodating.
Stay firm while remaining compassionate:
Example: “I understand this is frustrating, but this boundary is important for my well-being.”
Reinforce Your Boundaries
Consistency is key. Follow through with your limits to show others that you mean what you say. Not to mention, people forget. It’s normal to have to communicate your boundaries multiple times to others.
However, if someone repeatedly disregards your boundaries after you’ve communicated them multiple times, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship. Reassessing might mean you need to have more distance in this relationship or perhaps the relationship needs to end.
Practice Self-Compassion
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially at first. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process.
It’s okay to start practicing in small, low-risk situations (like sending your drink back at a coffee shop that has a guarantee to get it right) and work your way up to setting boundaries within your familial or more challenging relationships.
Final Thoughts
When you set boundaries, you’re not just protecting yourself – you’re modeling self-respect and healthy dynamics for others. Over time, this creates a ripple effect that improves not only your well-being but also your relationships and community.
Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and others. It’s a practice rooted in self-awareness, compassion, and courage. As you begin setting boundaries, remember: your well-being, just as much as anyone else’s, is worth protecting.
If you’d like some compassionate, highly-skilled support in uncovering the roots of your boundary-struggles, or guidance on how to set loving boundaries with yourself and others — we got you! Just head to the “contact” tab in the upper right-hand corner or our website, submit your contact form and we will be in touch with you ASAP!