Self-Care & Strategies for Backlash for Recovering People Pleasers
Learning to connect to yourself, care for yourself and handle backlash are key to healing from and letting go of people-pleasing.
Trust us, we get it. We know first hand how hard it can be to let go of people-pleasing. Many therapists and helping professionals find their way to the field because we too had to practice *a certain skill set* from a young age. We know what it takes to heal the emotional wounds and let go of the urges to control and protect by being pleasing and likable.
We also know how worth it it is to get to know yourself deeply and understand your worth so that self-care and boundaries begin to fall into place naturally. Check out the list below for practical self-care tools and strategies for dealing with backlash that will help you in your recovery from people-pleasing:
Self-Care Tools:
Get Enough - practice completing the sequence of needing, asking, receiving, filling up and pushing away (what you missed out on in early, formative relationships). Taking in energy (nourishment) directly gives you the experience of fullness which will begin to give you feelings of strength, expansion and self-confidence.
Self Referencing - practice tuning into and referencing your own core. This will help you learn how to measure what you have and what you need, breaking the pattern of self-neglect/going without.
Self-Compassion - do your best to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Give yourself permission to struggle, to feel your feelings and encourage yourself with compassion instead of criticism.
Schedule “Me” Time - literally put it on your calendar and commit to it like you would a work meeting. Your “Me Time” can be anything you want it to be - you can engage in hobbies, take a class, do nothing - it’s your time to spend how you’d like, in a way that feels good to you. This might be confusing at first because you never really got the opportunity to know yourself and what your preferences are. Be patient and try to be okay with not knowing and experimenting!
Mindfulness & Meditation - do your best to commit to meditating each day. Spend 5-20 minutes focusing on the present moment which can help reduce anxiety and help you stay grounded in your own needs and desires.
Physical Care - do your best to get daily movement, nutritious meals, 8-9 hours of sleep, hydration (~90 ounces of water/day). Even though this may seem basic, good physical self-care on a consistent basis is crucial for mental well-being.
Journaling - write about your thoughts and feelings regularly (daily if possible). This can help you process your emotions and gain insight into your behaviors, motivations and needs.
Creative Activities - activities like painting, writing, pottery, playing music, etc. can help you express yourself authentically because creative processes are gateways to the core self.
Celebrate Small Wins - it can be easy to miss your progress because you are with yourself day in and day out. Do your best to reflect intentionally on your wins for the day or week related to letting go of people-pleasing.
Assertiveness Skill Building - learning to express your needs and desires clearly and confidently is a game changer for recovering people-pleasers. Assertiveness skills will help you meet your needs and set and maintain boundaries.
Delegate (Let Others Help) - you are used to doing everything for others and nothing or the bare minimum for yourself. As you let go of and recover from people-pleasing, do your best to receive support and help from others. Start small, maybe something you don’t even really need help with but let someone else do it and observe what that’s like for you.
“Yes” and “No” in Your Body - work on reconnecting and building a relationship with your body. As you do this, you will learn what kinds of sensations come through when you actually want to do something (“yes”) and when you do not (“no”).
Seek Support - start therapy or talk to your therapist about your wins and struggles related to letting go of people-pleasing. Your therapist can provide you with compassion, validation, tools and strategies to build a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Group therapy can also be very useful in taking care of yourself as you recover from people pleasing!
Strategies for Dealing with Backlash:
Root Into Your “Why” - revisiting your motivation or why you decided to stop people-pleasing in the first place. Keeping your motivations front of mind can help you stay strong in the face of backlash. Write these down on a notecard or in the notes section of your phone for easy access!
Build Your Distress Tolerance - in particular build your ability to feel and stay present with the emotions and sensations of guilt & shame. Feeling guilty, or like you’re “a bad person” (shame) is a natural part of the process for recovering people pleasers so it’s important to learn how to be with those emotions so they don’t push you around.
Swap Positions - emotionally immature people will give you the most backlash to expressing your needs and setting your boundaries, so to help with this, think: “Would I react this way if someone I loved expressed their needs or a boundary to me?” or, if it’s hard to think what you would do, then think about the most loving, calm and centered person you know and think about how they would react to your needs or boundaries.
Acknowledge & Validate Their Feelings- acknowledge the fact that you have changed which can be confusing and challenging for others. Validate the other person’s emotions without compromising your own boundaries. Show them empathy but remain firm. Ex: “I know I used to be able to do that for you, but I no longer can. It makes sense that you’re frustrated, change can be hard at first.”
Set & Reiterate Your Boundaries - clearly define what behaviors you will and won’t accept and that note that you’re still figuring this out so you’ll let them know along the way just as you hope they will let you know what their boundaries are. Remember that you will have to reiterate your boundaries because people forget and most people need to hear something more than once.
Seek Support - Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who understand and respect your decision. It can also be incredibly helpful to talk to a therapist to receive support and guidance as you let go of a protective strategy you’ve used for most of your life.
Expect Resistance - Be prepared for some negative reactions. People who benefitted from your people-pleasing will resist this change the most. Some will come around and others will not, which will give you clarity about which relationships to keep and which ones to let go of. Remember, healthy relationships are reciprocal and have boundaries. It’s healthy to let go of toxic relationships with folks who only want to be in a relationship with you for their own benefit.
Practice NS Regulation - do your best to stay regulated when faced with backlash. Reacting from a place of anger will escalate the situation. It’s okay to feel angry, but do your best to communicate on behalf of the part of you that’s irritated or anger vs. letting your angry/irritate part of self do the talking.
Avoid Over-Explaining - You don’t need to justify your boundaries extensively, just like you don’t expect others to justify their boundaries beyond a simple explanation. A simple, clear explanation is often enough.
Take Breaks - when the backlash becomes overwhelming, it’s okay to take a step back and gather your thoughts and feelings before re-engaging. It can be useful to have some phrases memorized to use in overwhelming moments like: “Let me think about that and I’ll let you know” or “I need to run to bathroom real quick, I’ll be right back” or “Hmmmm, that’s a really good question, I want to sit with that for a moment.”
Know When to Walk Away - when someone consistently disrespects your boundaries and you’ve noticed it’s a pattern, it’s time to limit or end the relationship for your own well-being. It can sometimes be useful to realize that those interactions probably aren’t feeling good to that other person either.
In conclusion, navigating the journey of healing, letting go of and recovering from people pleasing can be empowering and challenging. By embracing self-care tools like setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion and seeking support, you can foster a healthier relationship with yourself AND with others. Equally important to your journey are the strategies for dealing with backlash, including nervous system regulation, reiterating your boundaries and validating others’ emotions, which help you maintain your newfound assertiveness with less and less guilt. Remember, this process is a testament to your healing, growth and commitment to prioritizing your well-being. As you continue on this path you’ll not only strengthen your self-worth and self-confidence, but also cultivate more authentic and balanced relationships.
And as always, we are here for you. If you’d like additional support and guidance on breaking free from people-pleasing just head to the “contact” tab in the upper right-hand corner of our website, submit a contact form and we will be in touch ASAP!