Self Worth by Mallory Burggraaf
Self worth is a topic that we all struggle with from time to time. We all lose sight of ourselves and our connection to self at some point in our life. From a young age we are taught in various ways to not trust ourselves, to trust the external, to receive external validation to prove our worth. This has left all of us confused, uncertain and detached from self. The truth is there is nothing we need to do to "fix" ourselves to become worthy. We don't have to achieve, better ourselves, fix ourselves into a version that is finally love-able, acceptable, worthy. The truth is that we are inherently all of these things. We just forget this inherent truth along the way.
We search for reassurance, love, value, worth- in others, in things, in the external world. There is nothing bad or wrong about this, we all do it, the issue is that when we seek meaning or worth about ourselves in others or the external world we will constantly find ourselves disappointed or feeling like we have to hustle to prove our worth. Because when we allow external things to define us we give our power away. We allow others to be the determiner of our reality. This can be a very dangerous thing because people change their minds, people have their own wounding, and ultimately, we are the only person we go through our entire life with so we are who truly knows ourselves the most and who is the true expert on ourselves.
This may resonate or feel confusing, annoying, frustrating. Whatever emotions arise in you as you read this belong. To consider looking within for self worth and trusting that we are inherently worthy can feel so vast, so unknown, so uncomfortable. I truly think learning to love ourselves and trusting our inherent worth is some of the most difficult, meaningful, and bravest work we will do in our lives.
There is no right or wrong way to begin this work. We simply just have to dare to begin to strip away the lie we've been sold that others define our worth, the lie that we have to hustle to prove our worth, the lie that external things define or can take away our worth. We have to dare to trust that deep down a part of us already knows and trusts that we are inherently worthy, love-able, good. As we begin to see, interact with, and build relationship to this part of self we can begin to understand, believe, and come to rely on this inherent truth.
So how do we get to know this part of self? By going inward. When we go inward we are paying attention to our internal experience vs. always looking to others to orient us. We are noticing what is alive and present in us in this moment. When we start to shift our attention inward, we get to know ourselves more, we notice what is happening in our system and what the language of our body is saying to us.
As we go inward we start to realize that we are the holders of truth we seek externally, we have all the salves to our wounds, the nurturing to soothe our system. It can feel scary to go inward when we've spent a lifetime seeking safety and approval externally. When we begin to turn inward we see how we've abandoned ourselves so others can define our worth/value. But to dare to go inward means we are showing up for ourselves, willing to create and nurture and cultivate a relationship to self where we are grounded and rooted in self instead of feeling like we have to run from self to be ok. When we turn inward we show up for ourselves, we learn ourselves, we say I’m sorry for leaving but I'm here now and I’d love to get to you know, I’d love to build a relationship with you, I’d love to be at a place where we can grow to trust and love and rely on each other.
Cultivating a relationship to self may feel awkward or scary at first but if you are willing and daring to turn inward, to see what’s there that’s dying for you to give it some attention, your body, your system, your abandoned parts will start to speak to you. They’ll start to tell you what they need to feel safe and heard.
As we build relationship with self we not only experience self worth, self love, and sense of self increase but we no longer have to question it or seek validation externally. We trust we are worthy because we are taking the time to show up for and attend to our needs. When we do this we no longer have to live out of fear. A whole world opens up. We get to experience a relationship with self that starts to feel free, accepting, trusting, safe, loving. We get to commune daily with that part of us deep down that already knows we are worthy just as we are. We get to come to know this part of self as an anchor, that can always ground us, no matter the situation. We get to feel safe and resourced enough to show up for the wounded parts that need our love and attention to heal.
So thank you for being here, thank you for coming to this page and reading these words. It shows that there is a part of you that knows this can be possible for you, that is interested in learning how to accept and care for self and it is this part of you that led you to read these words. Maybe give that part of you a little attention, notice how it shows up throughout your life in big or seemingly small moments to guide you back to the truth that you are precious, valuable, a gift to this world, joyful, intelligent, brilliant. Perhaps practice being curious around the idea that this very part of you that brought you to read about this topic is the exact teacher, guide, expert you need to teach you how to start to build a relationship to yourself, guide you back to trusting your inherent worth, and to start to experience what it feels like and how to truly accept and love yourself. It is through the building of this relationship you will experience joy, truth, love, freedom. You are so worthy of all of these things.
To connect with Mallory for a free consult or about this blog, email her at mallory@bravecounseling.com