Empathy vs. People Pleasing: Navigating the Fine Line
A heart-centered person in an emotionally phobic, overly logic-focused world
Always being aware of the energy flow and emotional connection between people
Easily attuning to the inner state, or, feeling states & needs of others and being generous in meeting those needs
Relationship and connection organize your life, not ideas or rules or power
Always making sure everyone in the group is feeling included and happy
Finding it easy to be a good listener and offering kindness, support and help to others
Knowing the likes and dislikes of others
Finding joy in making others feel better or happy
Enjoyment in being with others and naturally skilled at being a “connector” i.e. bringing people together and creating community
Good at nourishing others with love, food, connection, support, kindness and help
Strong in right-brain functioning - emotional intelligence, receptivity and sensitivity
Open-hearted, accepting, trusting, slow to anger, quick to forgive and unlikely to judge others or hold a grudge
Able to find delight or appreciation in most things
Happy, personable, playful and fun
Capable of radiating so much love and kindness that it can influence or shift the energy of others
Who does this skill set belong to?
A people pleaser? An empathetic person?
It’s okay if you’re feeling confused. It’s also okay if you found yourself resonating with the list of gifts and skills listed above.
The truth is that both empathetic people and people pleasers use the same set of skills and even though they appear similar on the surface, empathy and people-pleasing are rooted in different places internally and lead to vastly different outcomes. Understanding and being able to discern between empathy and people-pleasing is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being.
What is Empathy?
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves putting yourself in another’s shoes and the ability to feel into a place within yourself that is the same emotion and sensation that the other person is feeling.
The Roots of Empathy
Empathy is rooted in emotional nurturance and intelligence, self-compassion and extending that same compassion to others, and connection to self and self-worth and offering that same deep, meaningful connection to others.
What is People Pleasing?
People-pleasing, on the other hand, is a survival mechanism. People learn to be pleasing or likable to the people around them as a way to gain acceptance, avoid conflict and ensure safety in challenging environments. By prioritizing others’ needs and approval a person tries to reduce the risk of disconnection/rejection/abandonment, because when we are young we can’t yet meet all of our own needs therefore connection equals survival.
If a person is having to people-please in their relationships in order to maintain the connection then they are not afforded the opportunity to be their truest, most authentic self which is where a human’s sense of self and self-worth comes from.
The Roots of People Pleasing
Unlike empathy, people-pleasing is rooted in wounding, fear, low self-worth (aka insecurity), protection and survival.
The Key Differences Between Empathy and People Pleasing
Motivation: Empathy is driven by a deep inner connection to yourself that fosters a genuine desire to connect and understand others, while people-pleasing is driven by emotional/psychological wounding that pushes you to maintain connection to others at whatever cost for “safety” and survival.
Boundaries: Empathetic individuals maintain healthy boundaries because they are connected to themselves and their worth and therefore able to recognize their own needs and limits. People pleasers struggle to set and hold boundaries because they’ve always had to focus outward on others and prioritize other’s needs over their own.
Emotional Impact: Practicing empathy typically leads to fulfilling and balanced relationships. In contrast, people-pleasing often results in resentment, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.
Authenticity: Empathy encourages authentic connections based on mutual understanding. People-pleasing, however, leads to inauthentic interactions, as individuals didn’t get to know themselves deeply and then be their true selves because their attention had to be focused on how to gain approval from others.
If you’ve read this far, take a moment to pause and be kind to yourself. We know this is a lot to digest.
Many people-pleasers consider themselves to be empaths which is understandable because both use the same set of skills. We know it can be challenging to learn that what you thought was empathy is actually people-pleasing and that the root of people pleasing is wounding and low self-worth. It would also make sense if you’re feeling uneasy right now about having low-self worth because it would be more pleasing to have high self-worth.
We want you to know that…
Your people-pleasing and your low self-worth are not your fault
You are not any less lovable because you struggle with self-worth
You were never given the opportunity to get to know yourself and your worth because it was more important to your survival to focus on others
Understanding the distinction between empathy and people-pleasing is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships. While empathy enriches our connections, people-pleasing erodes our sense of self. By cultivating self-awareness, practicing self-compassion and setting boundaries, it is possible to foster genuine empathy without losing yourself or compromising your own well-being.
If you’re ready to shed the wounding and the protections, aka the people-pleasing, and step further into your gifts of empathy - we got you! Just head to the “contact” tab in the upper right hand corner of our website, submit a contact form and we will be in touch ASAP!