People Pleasing: What It Is, Where It Comes From, and Why It Hurts
Have you looked forward to spending time with family and friends only to find yourself drained and disappointed afterwards?
Do you get mad at yourself for smiling and nodding along, despite actually disagreeing with what’s being said?
Do you feel busy and stressed most days?
If you found yourself resonating with these questions, it could be that you have a tendency toward people-pleasing. Maybe you already know this because you searched “people-pleasing” and this blog popped up. Either way, you are not alone.
In truth, people-pleasing is a protective mechanism that many women have. It’s not good or bad or right or wrong (although it can cause some undesirable symptoms and outcomes), it just is. And when you think about it, people-pleasing is a fairly understandable pattern of protective behavior given the circumstances i.e. the patriarchy, being raised by parents using outdated authoritative models of parenting, receiving an education in the public school system whose curriculums are predetermined and based on student control and compliance, etc.
People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained, protective pattern where an individual prioritizes others’ needs, desires and approval over their own well-being and preferences. This pervasive need to please others often looks like:
Always needing to perform really well or perfectly
Difficulty saying “no”, not wanting to disappoint others
Overcommitting yourself, taking on too much, always being busy
Being “chill”, easy-going, agreeable to others i.e. “a chameleon”
Chronic anxiety and feeling uneasy when feedback is not available or received
Avoiding conflict and suppressing personal opinions, feelings and needs to try and “keep the peace”
Frequently apologizing or saying “sorry” to preempt potential disapproval or anger from others
Often using pleasing language like, “I’m fine with whatever you want” or “It doesn’t matter to me” (even when it does)
Sacrificing personal time and energy to cater to others at the cost of themselves
Pretending to be interested, feigning interest or enthusiasm in topics or activities that don’t genuinely interest you
Fear of emotional reactions, disconnection and rejection from others
Energetically merging with others, feeling their emotions as if their your own and feeling responsible for changing their emotional state
Understanding the roots of people-pleasing is key to letting go of it which is essential for well-being. People pleasing is rooted in deep-seated fears and beliefs formed during early life experiences often within the context of relationships. At some point in time it was important for you to be “easy”, accommodating and helpful in order to maintain your connection to others with limited emotional capacities because when humans are young survival is dependent on connection.
When a person unconsciously uses the protective mechanism of people-pleasing over time it manifests psychologically, physically and spiritually - it becomes more like a way of being in the world, intertwined with your personality, which is why it can be so difficult to shake.
As we mentioned earlier, ongoing people-pleasing will lead to undesirable symptoms and outcomes like…
Chronic Stress & Anxiety - from constantly trying to predict, anticipate and meet others expectations or control their emotions by being likable or pleasing
Low Sense of Self & Self-Worth - always looking outward to others for what is “right” and “good” does not allow much of an opportunity to focus on your emotions, needs and who you are therefore resulting in low sense of self and self-worth
Physical Health Issues - chronic stress and anxiety, plus neglecting your own emotions and needs can lead to various health problems including headaches, sleep issues, gastrointestinal problems, etc.
Burnout - overcommitting, not setting boundaries and neglecting your own emotions and needs can result in physical and emotional exhaustion
Emotional Exhaustion - constant fatigue, overwhelm, decreased motivation and emotional numbness due to being emotionally depleted and drained from the excessive demands others to have on your emotions & energy and feeling others’ emotions as if they are your own
Loss of Identity - constantly accommodating others and conforming to their expectations of you and the world makes it difficult to know your true self and desires
Unhealthy Relationships - people-pleasing can attract people with manipulative behaviors, your needs overlooked/neglected, people can’t truly get to know you, co-dependent relationships
Resentment - sacrificing your own needs leads to feelings of anger and resentment toward others and your life
Depression - persistent neglect of your emotions, needs and desires can contribute to feelings of anger, grief/loss, sadness, hopelessness and powerlessness
Decision Paralysis - difficulty or inability to make decisions due to fear of upsetting or disappointing others with your choices
Ineffective Communication - inability or difficulty expressing your true thoughts and feelings can lead to misunderstandings and lack of authentic connections
Career Impact - overcommitting and not advocating for yourself can hinder professional growth and satisfaction
Oooof! People-pleasing can do quite a number on mental, physical and spiritual health so if you find yourself identifying with the information in this blog do your best to be compassionate toward yourself. Remember that people-pleasing isn’t something you’re choosing, you’re just stuck in an old pattern of protection that is possible to let go of now that you’re an adult with choice and autonomy.
Ultimately, overcoming people pleasing is about embracing your authentic self. It’s a journey of self-discovery and self-love, where we learn that it’s okay and necessary to turn inward, focus on ourselves to receive and honor our needs and desires. By doing so, we can create more genuine and fulfilling connections with others, rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
If you’re tired of feeling tired and living your life for everyone but yourself, it might be time to heal, grow and transform. Just head to the “contact” tab in the upper right-hand corner of our website, submit a contact form and ask us how we can support and guide you in letting go of people-pleasing!
Curious to know more? Just head to the “contact” tab in the upper right hand corner of our website, submit your contact form or call us at 720-923-3033 and we will be in touch!