Find Your Voice: Somatic Tools for Assertiveness and Empowerment
Part 1: Understanding the Barriers to Speaking Up – How Your Body Holds the Story
As holistic therapists in Colorado, we often hear women express frustration about their struggles with assertiveness. And we want you to know you’re not alone. At Brave Embodiment Counseling we provide therapy for women, by women, so many of us therapists also have stories, just like yours, about staying silent in moments when we desperately wanted to speak up. We want you to know that assertiveness struggles aren’t a sign of weakness or failure. They are rooted in deeper stories held by the body and shaped by our experiences, culture, and nervous systems. We also want you to know that it is possible to find your voice and overcome your assertiveness struggles.
In this blog, we’ll explore some of the most common barriers to speaking up, why these patterns often affect women, and how the mind-body connection can shed light on this challenge. We’ll also end with a simple somatic awareness exercise to help you begin rewriting your body’s story.
1. Cultural Conditioning: The Social Script to Stay Small
From an early age, many women are subtly (and not-so-subtly) conditioned to prioritize harmony over conflict and others’ needs over their own. Phrases like “be nice”, “don’t be so bossy”, and “don’t be so sensitive” reinforce a belief that assertiveness is unwelcome or unsafe. And that expressing your truth, your emotions and your needs is unwanted.
Over time, these messages shape how we show up in the world. The nervous system learns to associate speaking up with potential rejection, disapproval, or disconnection which can activate a stress response. Your heart races, your voice shakes, or you freeze entirely. These are not flaws – they’re your body trying to keep you safe within the boundaries of the social script you were taught.
2. Trauma and the Body’s Protective Mechanisms
For many women, past trauma – whether from a specific event or ongoing oppression and micro-agressions – can deeply impact their ability to advocate for themselves. Trauma, particularly if it involves a history of not being heard or valued, can cause the body to enter survival mode of fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop when needing to speak up or be assertive.
For example, if speaking up in the past led to punishment, emotional harm, or physical harm, your nervous system may learn to shut down your voice as a way to avoid danger. Even years later, that response can remain locked in the body, causing you to feel physically unable to say what you need or want (i.e. tightness in the chest, constriction in the throat, clenched jaw, etc.).
3. Fear of Rejection or Conflict
The human nervous system is wired for connection – it’s how we’ve survived as a species. This means that rejection, perceived or real, can feel deeply threatening to our sense for safety and belonging.
For women especially, the fear of being labeled as “too much” or “too difficult” can loom large. Even when the logical part of your brain knows it’s okay to ask for what you need, your body may respond as if rejection is a life-or-death threat. Sweaty palms, a racing heart, or a lump in the throat are all signs that your body is bracing for potential disconnection.
4. The Nervous System: A Key Player in Assertiveness
The nervous system plays a central role in your ability to speak up. When you perceive a situation as safe, your parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest mode) allows you to access calm, clear thinking. But if your nervous system detects a threat – whether physical or emotional – it can shift into survival mode, making it much harder to assert yourself.
For example, you might find your throat tightening (a sign of the freeze response) or feel an overwhelming urge to stay quiet (a fawn response). These reactions aren’t “just in your head”. They are physiological responses your body has learned to keep you safe. Understanding this connection is a powerful step toward reclaiming your voice.
A Somatic Awareness Exercise to Support Assertiveness
Reconnecting with your body and learning how to work its stress responses is key to overcoming barriers to assertiveness. This simple exercise can help you begin building awareness of how your body reacts in moments requiring you to speak up.
The Ground-and-Sense Exercise
Find a Quiet Space: Sit in a comfortable position with your feet flat on the ground. Close your eyes if it feels okay, if not, just hold a soft downward gaze 2-3 feet in front of you.
Notice Your Breath: Take a few slow, deep breaths. Feel your belly rise and fall.
Recall a Recent Situation: Let your mind go and allow it bring you a time when you wanted to speak up but struggled. Watch this memory through like a little mental movie in your mind’s eye from beginning to end. Do your best to observe with gentleness and curiosity.
Scan Your Body: As you watch this memory, where do you feel tension or discomfort in your body? Perhaps your chest feels tight, your stomach churns, or your throat feels blocked.
Stay Curious: Instead of judging the sensation, bring curiosity to it. What might this part of your body be trying to communicate? What message does it have for you?
Anchor in Safety: Press your feet into the ground or place a hand on your heart. Remind yourself, “In this moment, I am safe.”
By practicing this exercise regularly, you can begin to recognize your body’s signals and learn to work with them instead of against them. For more information and guidance on how to work with your body’s stress responses stay tuned in this blog series or reach out to us!
Closing Thoughts
Speaking up is not just a mental decision – it’s a whole-body experience, so try not to be too hard on yourself, you are not choosing to have your body go into protective mode. While you know what you need and want to do in various situations, your nervous system has not yet learned that you’ll be safe if you do so. When we understand the cultural, emotional, and physiological factors at play, we can approach the challenge of assertiveness with compassion and curiosity. Your voice matters, and so does the process of reclaiming it.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into this journey, consider working with us! We are holistic therapists in Colorado with training in somatic and creative methods which can effectively support you unraveling the patterns that are holding you back from using your voice. You, just as much as anyone else, deserve to speak your truth with confidence! Just click the “contact” tab in the upper right-hand corner of our website, submit your contact form and we will be in touch ASAP!