Find Your Voice: Part 3: Embodied Assertiveness – Speaking with Authenticity and Power
Have you ever left a conversation feeling frustrated, unheard, or like you abandoned yourself to keep the peace? Many of us struggle with expressing our needs, setting boundaries, or standing in our truth – especially when emotions run high. The good news? Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive or dominant; it’s about speaking from an integrated place of self-trust, authenticity, and inner power.
Embodied assertiveness is the practice of aligning your voice, body, and emotions so that your words carry both clarity and presence. It allows you to speak with honesty while staying connected to yourself and others. In this blog, we’ll explore what healthy, embodied assertiveness looks and feels like, along with practical tools to help you prepare for and navigate difficult conversations – especially in romantic relationships which can often be the hardest to speak up in.
What Does Healthy, Embodied Assertiveness Feel Like?
Embodied assertiveness isn’t just about the words you say – it’s about how you feel in your body when you say them. When you communicate assertively, you experience:
Groundedness - You feel rooted in your body, rather than shaky, disconnected or “in your head”.
Clarity - Your words come from a deep knowing of your truth, not from reactivity or fear.
Calm Confidence - You’re not over-explaining or apologizing for your needs. You’re not putting a bubbly spin on things, your voice is your own and your feel settled.
Open Presence - You stay engaged, breathing fully, and listening as much as you speak.
In contrast, when we’re passive, we may feel small, tight, or frozen. When we’re aggressive, we may feel tense, rigid, or overpowering. Embodied assertiveness helps us find the middle ground – where we honor ourselves while respecting others.
Preparing for a Difficult Conversation (Romantically and Emotionally)
Before a big conversation, especially in a romantic relationship, it’s important to prepare both your nervous system and your mindset. Here are some somatic and holistic practices to help you regulate your energy before speaking up:
Ground Yourself in Your Body
Take a few deep belly breaths to engage your vagus nerve to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest mode).
Feel your feet on the ground or place a hand on your heart or grab opposite elbows to anchor yourself.
Do a short body scan: Where do you feel tension? Can you soften those areas?
Regulate Your Emotions
If you feel anxious, shake out your arms and legs to discharge excess energy.
If you feel emotionally flooded, do your best to slow things down for yourself internally by using skills like…
“Name it to tame it”
Gently separate from the emotion by stating “I am experiencing anger right now” vs. “I’m angry”
Place a cool washcloth on your neck to soothe your system, or, hold ice cubes in your hands
If you feel disconnected, hum or take deep sighs to bring presence back into your body.
Clarify Your Intention
Ask yourself:
What do I truly need to express?
What outcome am I hoping for?
How do I want to feel during and after this conversation?
Journaling Prompt: What does my body need in order to feel safe and strong while expressing myself?
A Framework for Assertive Communication
When emotions run high, it helps to have a structured way of expressing yourself. The “I feel, I need, I invite” framework ensures that your communication is clear, balanced, non-defensive and non-violent.
Step 1: Express Your Feelings (without blame)
Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
Try: “I feel unheard when I share something important, and it seems like it’s not acknowledged.”
Step 2: State Your Need Clearly
Instead of: “You need to change how you talk to me!”
Try: “I need to feel that my thoughts and feelings are valued in this relationship.”
Step 3: Offer an Invitation for Connection
Instead of: “You should do better”
Try: “Would you be open to pausing and reflecting back what I’m saying, so I feel heard?”
Role-Playing Scenarios for Practice
While we get that role-playing is not everyone’s favorite, practicing getting your thoughts organized and words out before a conversation can actually make it feel more natural in the moment. Here are a few role-playing scenarios to explore with a friend, therapist, or even by speaking out loud to yourself or trying mirror work.
Scenario 1: Addressing an Unmet Need
Your partner frequently cancels plans at the last minute.
(Dysregulated) Passive Response: “It’s fine, I get that you’re busy.” (Even though you’re hurt.)
(Dysregulated) Aggressive Response: “You obviously don’t care about my time at all!”
(Regulated) Assertive Response: “I feel disappointed when our plans get cancelled because I value our time together. I need to feel prioritized in our relationship. Can we find a way to honor our plans more consistently?”
Scenario 2: Setting a Boundary
Your partner raises their voice when they're frustrated.
(Dysregulated) Passive Response: [thinking] “I’ll just stay quiet so I don’t make it worse.”
(Dysregulated) Aggressive Response: “You’re so rude! You need to stop yelling at me!”
(Regulated) Assertive Response: “When voices are raised, I feel overwhelmed and shut down. I need conversations to stay calm. If we can’t, I’ll need to step away and revisit it later.”
Journaling Prompts for Deepening Your Assertiveness Practice
When was a time I struggled to speak my truth? How did my body feel?
What fears come up when I think about being assertive?
How would it feel to express my needs unapologetically?
What are three things I can do to support myself before a hard conversation?
How can I practice embodying confidence and clarity in small ways each day?
Final Thoughts: Owning Your Voice with Compassion
Assertiveness is a practice, not a perfect performance. Each time you express yourself honestly with integrity, you strengthen your connection to your truth and yourself. The more you practice embodied assertiveness – through grounding, emotional regulation, and intentional communication – the more natural it becomes.
Remember, just like anyone else, you deserve to be heard, to take up space, and you deserve relationships that honor the fully, authentic expression of who you are.
And…If you’re ready to dive deeper into your assertiveness journey, we are here for you! We are holistic therapists in Colorado with training in somatic and creative methods which can effectively support you unraveling the patterns that are holding you back from using your voice. Just click the “contact” tab in the upper right-hand corner of our website, submit your contact form and we will be in touch ASAP!