What is Somatic Psychotherapy?

Somatic psychotherapy is grounded in the belief that the mind and body are intimately linked and therefore both must be considered to be mentally healthy.

In other words, somatic psychotherapists believe that, in order to understand one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, one must also understand what is happening in the body.

In recent years, somatic psychotherapy has focused on the impact of traumatic events on the mind and body. It is believed that past trauma can become stuck in the body, leaving survivors with a host of physical concerns such as chronic pain, gut issues, and even autoimmune disorders. 

Somatic psychotherapy isn’t just used to treat trauma though, it is also used for:

-anxiety

-depression

-grief

-chronic pain

-sexual dysfunction

-addiction

What to expect in a somatic psychotherapy session:

Depending on the therapist, somatic therapy may look different. However, there are some techniques that are widely used in somatic psychotherapy sessions including:

-mindfulness

-grounding exercises

-meditation

-breathwork

-gentle movement

-yoga

By using techniques such as the ones mentioned above, you will gain a greater sense of your own body, explore emotional and physical concerns, achieve greater emotional regulation, and move past the things that are keeping you stuck. 

For those looking to process traumatic experiences, therapists will frequently guide you to safely revisit the traumatic event to release emotions and sensations that have been stored in the body since the incident(s).

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

Self Worth by Mallory Burggraaf

By: Mallory Burggraaf

Self worth is a topic that we all struggle with from time to time. We all lose sight of ourselves and our connection to self at some point in our life. From a young age we are taught in various ways to not trust ourselves, to trust the external, to receive external validation to prove our worth. This has left all of us confused, uncertain and detached from self. The truth is there is nothing we need to do to "fix" ourselves to become worthy. We don't have to achieve, better ourselves, fix ourselves into a version that is finally love-able, acceptable, worthy. The truth is that we are inherently all of these things. We just forget this inherent truth along the way. 

We search for reassurance, love, value, worth- in others, in things, in the external world. There is nothing bad or wrong about this, we all do it, the issue is that when we seek meaning or worth about ourselves in others or the external world we will constantly find ourselves disappointed or feeling like we have to hustle to prove our worth. Because when we allow external things to define us we give our power away. We allow others to be the determiner of our reality. This can be a very dangerous thing because people change their minds, people have their own wounding, and ultimately, we are the only person we go through our entire life with so we are who truly knows ourselves the most and who is the true expert on ourselves. 

This may resonate or feel confusing, annoying, frustrating. Whatever emotions arise in you as you read this belong. To consider looking within for self worth and trusting that we are inherently worthy can feel so vast, so unknown, so uncomfortable. I truly think learning to love ourselves and trusting our inherent worth is some of the most difficult, meaningful, and bravest work we will do in our lives. 

There is no right or wrong way to begin this work. We simply just have to dare to begin to strip away the lie we've been sold that others define our worth, the lie that we have to hustle to prove our worth, the lie that external things define or can take away our worth. We have to dare to trust that deep down a part of us already knows and trusts that we are inherently worthy, love-able, good. As we begin to see, interact with, and build relationship to this part of self we can begin to understand, believe, and come to rely on this inherent truth. 

So how do we get to know this part of self? By going inward. When we go inward we are paying attention to our internal experience vs. always looking to others to orient us. We are noticing what is alive and present in us in this moment. When we start to shift our attention inward, we get to know ourselves more, we notice what is happening in our system and what the language of our body is saying to us.

As we go inward we start to realize that we are the holders of truth we seek externally, we have all the salves to our wounds, the nurturing to soothe our system. It can feel scary to go inward when we've spent a lifetime seeking safety and approval externally. When we begin to turn inward we see how we've abandoned ourselves so others can define our worth/value. But to dare to go inward means we are showing up for ourselves, willing to create and nurture and cultivate a relationship to self where we are grounded and rooted in self instead of feeling like we have to run from self to be ok. When we turn inward we show up for ourselves, we learn ourselves, we say I’m sorry for leaving but I'm here now and I’d love to get to you know, I’d love to build a relationship with you, I’d love to be at a place where we can grow to trust and love and rely on each other. 

Cultivating a relationship to self may feel awkward or scary at first but if you are willing and daring to turn inward, to see what’s there that’s dying for you to give it some attention, your body, your system, your abandoned parts will start to speak to you. They’ll start to tell you what they need to feel safe and heard. 

As we build relationship with self we not only experience self worth, self love, and sense of self increase but we no longer have to question it or seek validation externally. We trust we are worthy because we are taking the time to show up for and attend to our needs. When we do this we no longer have to live out of fear. A whole world opens up. We get to experience a relationship with self that starts to feel free, accepting, trusting, safe, loving. We get to commune daily with that part of us deep down that already knows we are worthy just as we are. We get to come to know this part of self as an anchor, that can always ground us, no matter the situation. We get to feel safe and resourced enough to show up for the wounded parts that need our love and attention to heal.

So thank you for being here, thank you for coming to this page and reading these words. It shows that there is a part of you that knows this can be possible for you, that is interested in learning how to accept and care for self and it is this part of you that led you to read these words. Maybe give that part of you a little attention, notice how it shows up throughout your life in big or seemingly small moments to guide you back to the truth that you are precious, valuable, a gift to this world, joyful, intelligent, brilliant. Perhaps practice being curious around the idea that this very part of you that brought you to read about this topic is the exact teacher, guide, expert you need to teach you how to start to build a relationship to yourself, guide you back to trusting your inherent worth, and to start to experience what it feels like and how to truly accept and love yourself. It is through the building of this relationship you will experience joy, truth, love, freedom. You are so worthy of all of these things.

To connect with Mallory for a free consult or about this blog, email her at mallory@bravecounseling.com

Are You Really Connected to Your Body?

Like most of us who choose to live in Colorado, I’m sure you value getting outdoors and exercising. And you likely believe you are in tune with your body. However, there is a difference between being in tune with your physical body and being attuned to the emotional cues your body is telling you.

Do you ever notice what happens to your body when you feel anxious or sad? Do you know how your body cues you that you are repressing a feeling or feeling ashamed? Do you respond to the cues your body is sending you or do you stay in go mode or numb out instead?

We are not taught in school or as children in our family environments the importance of listening to our bodies. Yet, our bodies are powerful truth-tellers.

As a college student, I went through a period of intense anxiety. I didn’t know what was happening to my body and the slightest trigger (and sometimes seemingly no trigger at all) would send me into a panic attack. At first, it was just confusing and random bouts of anxiety. Then I began to be afraid of the anxiety and would anticipate the anxiety so intensely that I would send myself into an anxiety attack for no reason. It took me several years of working with therapists to find one that helped me to slow down and finally LISTEN to my body. I worked with her to begin to understand my body’s unique pattern of anxiety and then how to respond to my fear through my body and settle back down to a state of peace.

Fast forward to my late 20s, I began working with women as a psychotherapist and training in body-based methods for healing. During this training, I began to learn about the subtle and not-so-subtle ways we hold ourselves based on our experiences in life and how we defend ourselves against pain in relationships. AND how our bodies hold unresolved trauma and can be the agent for healing old traumas. I learned during this training that I, the woman who had been a dancer her entire life, who did yoga, rock climbed, and was at times in her life, hyper-focused on sensations of anxiety felt in her body, knew very little about the way I held my history, fears, and relationships in my body.

Turns out that my shoulders live in a state of forward motion because I defend against my fears of worthiness through hustling and “go-mode.” My belly and rear stick out a bit because I hold a defense of being “cute” in my body to give off the non-verbal message that I am immature and need help navigating the world. Oh, and I lock my knees because there is a part of me that feels like a burden!

Of course, these were startling discoveries for me. I had thought I was attuned to my body. I knew how to not push myself too hard exercise and avoid getting hurt. I knew what foods my body preferred. I knew how to exchange my weight and match my weight with a partner while dancing. I knew how to calm my body down from a panic attack! I knew how to respond to my body to prevent panic attacks. But this was new. I learned how my emotions and soul’s path were showing up in my body now. Now, I could begin to heal the deep fears and pains that held me back from healthy and long-lasting relationships. Now, I could release fears that held me back from feeling worthy of love and acceptance and belonging.

Turns out there was a lot of information my body was waiting to share with me about my fears and defense against these fears. Since then, I have started listening much more closely to my body. I have learned to hear the cues and respond to my body’s needs on a deeper level. I am now able to follow my body to wellness and my soul’s true path. I hope you will too start to reach beyond just the physical experience of exercising or the surface of knowing your body and begin to examine what your body can tell you about your fears, needs, hopes, and dreams.

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

5 Reasons to Invest in a Great Therapist

I meet with a lot of women seeking therapy. And I myself have seen quite a few therapists and healers in my lifetime. I know what a great therapist looks like and the difference between working with a therapist that skates along with traditional Freudian techniques and their graduate school education. I also know what it means to invest in your own healing process. Here are 5 reasons to work with a Great Therapist instead of wasting time and money on a not-so-great therapist.

1. GREAT THERAPISTS CAN RELATE TO HOW IT FEELS TO BE A CLIENT 

Being a great therapist takes even more work than being the client in therapy. On top of doing your own healing to avoid rehashing your own history with clients, you have to be present and guide your clients. The great therapists out there have all done their own work (and continue to do their own work throughout their lives) and know what it is like to sit in your seat. That means they will not judge or criticize. That means their Stuff won't get mixed in and confused with your Stuff. That means they can be there for you 100% and not get distracted by their own Stuff or project onto you. That means they understand humility and pain and more importantly, HEALING. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to work with someone that has done their own work. Don't be afraid to ask if your therapist has been to their own therapy or done their own healing work.

2. GREAT THERAPISTS HELP YOU HEAL FASTER

Great therapists do advanced training, beyond their graduate school education. That means they are educated in more cutting edge methodologies for helping you in the healing process. Thus, they have learned how to help you heal more quickly, more effectively and with more ease. They know about the latest research in the field and understand aspects of healing such as the fact that trauma and attachment wounds affect everyone and the effects of trauma and attachment wounds can look suspiciously like mood disorders and ADHD.

3. GREAT THERAPISTS SEEK HELP TO LEARN MORE AND GROW

Great therapists also get great supervision over the course of their careers, meaning they check themselves and seek help when they need to learn about something new. If a great therapist needs to work out a concern coming up from a client about the nature of their work, for example, a great therapist will consult someone that can help them. If a great therapist is not knowledgable about a particular concern of a client, the therapist will either consult a mentor/supervisor or will refer that client to another great therapist that specializes in that concern.

4. GREAT THERAPISTS HELP YOU HEAL - PERIOD!

Traditionally, therapists have been trained to help clients learn new insights about themselves, to make the unconscious conscious. This awareness is the first step to healing but it is not the last. If left at the stage of awareness, you will end up simply spinning your wheels. The next step is healing. You also need aid in unpacking old patterns and learning new ones. Finally, you will need assistance in integrating new beliefs, learning to vision and thrive! People can get stuck in any of these spaces and may not have ever learned how to vision or thrive. Great therapists help clients heal from attachment wounds and trauma, not just know what patterns they are stuck in because of the trauma and wounds. Additionally, great therapists allow for clients to experiences many of the missing needs they have from their childhood wounds, such as not been seen, heard, to play, etc. because the therapist can show through experientials in the sessions what that need being met (by the therapist or client) looks/feels like. This repair allows the client to then "reparent" themselves and internalize the need being met by themselves. 

5. THEREFORE, GREAT THERAPISTS DON'T LET YOU WASTE YOUR MONEY

A great therapist will help you heal much more efficiently. If you feel you are just spinning your wells in therapy or are not getting beyond the insight, don't be afraid to move on. You are paying for healing therefore, should be healing in therapy! It is worth the investment. Most great therapists do not take insurance because of the hassle and restrictions involved with taking insurance. Thus, you may have to pay more per session. But if you think about the years of therapy you could be sending a smaller fee (5 years of a $50 copay = $12,500 and no healing) versus a much shorter time period of ACTUAL HEALING (1 year of a $150 fee = $7,500), there is no comparison. Often you can even get a portion of out of network therapy sessions reimbursed by your insurance company. 

Essentially, I hope you will learn from me. I spent 10+ years in not-so-great therapy for a range of fees between $20 copays to $100 sessions and got nowhere = upwards of $20,000. And then one great therapist for 6 months at $250 a session and all the healing. I don't feel like I ever will NEED to return to therapy based on those 6 months of work. Please don't waste your time and money like I did. 

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

Part Two: Why do I still feel like a screw-up even though I am successful?

What can you do about feeling like you are a screw-up when you know logically you are successful, bright, may have a good relationship or home life? 

One way to work through this negative belief pattern is to process the source of the negative belief. By negative belief, we are talking about the belief that you are a screw-up when logically you know you are not. 

Step 1. Identify how you would like to feel instead

I imagine you would rather feel that you are good enough or even great just the way you are, that you work hard and are equal to everyone else - no better, no worse. So you know the belief you have and the belief you would like to hold instead. 

Step 2. Feel into how this belief shows up in your body

Where is it, how does it feel, what does it look like? Consider making some artwork or journaling about it. 

Step 3. Allow the belief to bring you to its source and purpose

Follow your body to point you to insights and inner-knowing about where it started, who taught you that you are a screw-up? Who shamed you to encourage you to be motivated to work harder or be a certain way? What does this belief do for you? Does it motivate you? 

Step 4. Imagine the belief in your body softening into a younger you

Visualize the belief in your body turning into the younger version of you that learned this belief. And begin to dialogue with this younger version of you. Make art about her and what she needs, what she is missing. Track what happens in your body and emotions as you connect with this younger part of you. 

Step 5. Provide the younger you with what she needs

Visualize and imagine providing that younger you with what she needs. Notice how she responds to having her needs met. Notice how it makes you feel now. 

Continue to provide yourself with the missing needs your younger self needed. Be deliberate about it and consistent for several weeks. Soon enough you will find yourself feeling more confident and nurtured internally. 

While this one exercise may not cure your pain of feeling like a screw-up, it can start the process. In my work with clients, we use this technique along with others to heal the pain clients are feeling now. With the relationship of a therapist guiding your process, you will benefit from the safe space, knowledge, and relational healing as well. These aspects of the therapeutic relationship accelerate your healing significantly. In my work with clients, I hold the energetic for them to heal as well. 

If you are ready to start owning your joy and stop the self-criticism and would like to work with us, email us for a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

Part One: Why do I feel like a screw-up when I am a highly successful woman?

Many of my clients suffer from the false belief that they have to be a “good girl” to be loved. That you will be rejected if you get angry or make a mistake. I want to help unpack this false belief about relationships. 

Logically, you know that if you make a mistake it isn’t the end of the world, life goes on. This is often easier to deal with in a work setting and more difficult in relationship. Yet, you feel and belief that if you express anger towards your partner, he/she may leave you. Or that if you loose your cool, you will definitely be punished in someway or go into a deep self-shame response (lots of inner criticism and feeling guilty). 

When you make a mistake with a loved one, you feel “I am a bad partner/friend/daughter/sister” rather than “I made a mistake and am human, it is okay.” That you somehow need to be superhuman and never show sadness, anger or, god forbid, make a mistake. It feels like you must be a “good girl” to be loved by those you are close to, if you are a “bad girl” you will be rejected or punished - or must punish yourself to deal appropriate make up for the guilt you feel. 

So why is it so difficult to make a mistake without feeling extreme guilt and shame? 

I attribute this greatly to parenting, especially the parenting of the our parent’s generation. Though there is still quite a lot of growth needed in our generation, as parents to our own children, around healthy displacing and boundaries. 

As children, you were probably parented out of shame or guilt rather than strengths and positivity. Healthy parenting means UNCONDITIONAL LOVE + BOUNDARIES. You were probably given time-outs as a child. Our parents learned that when a child is not behaving, you put them in time-out to teach them a lesson. Therefore, motivating their good/bad behavior through shame and guilt. A little bit of guilt is important, but parents consistently and mainly through guilt causes a negative lifetime effect. It causes us to motivate ourselves through guilt rather than strength and resiliency. Just think, if you always motivated yourself through resiliency and strength, you would probably bounce back positively with every mistake, rather and negatively, with self-criticism and shame. And when we made a mistake, we would think “I did my best in that moment, I am human, and I will do something different next time I am in a similar situation” rather than “I am bad, I am a screw up, I deserve to be punished by others or punish myself.” While our parents had good intentions and did their best, they did not understand the effects of using shame and guilt as a behavioral motivation.

Another common issue that contributes to this false belief of needing to be a “good girl” is addiction and narcissism. You may have had a mother that had issues with addiction or narcissism. These issues may not have been overt or serious but were present. In these cases, as a child you internalize that you were the cause of your mother’s substance/alcohol use or lashing out behaviors. As an adult, you know this is not the truth, yet as a child, you probably had rituals or standards around being a “good girl” to keep your mother from drinking/using or lashing out. The reason for these “good/bad” beliefs as children is simple and profound. As a child, you idealize your parents because they are your caregivers and without them you cannot survive, therefore children actually see themselves as an extension of their parents. It is much easier for a child to blame themselves for their parents behavior than it is for them to see their parents as “wrong” as it would threaten their attachment to their caregivers. 

The next step is what to do about this…. we will discuss this next week! 

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

The Narratives That Hold Us Back

This week I wanted to focus on the a topic that has been personally impacting recently. I want to focus on the stories we tell ourselves. How we limit ourselves and hold ourselves back with stories of shoulds and beliefs. And how we keep ourselves safe with these stories. 

Have you ever looked back at yourself in the past in seen how you used to falsely believe you were a certain way or were incapable to doing or behaving a certain way? For example, maybe in high school you strongly believed you belonged to a certain crowd and now realize how you were just putting yourself in a box to fit in more easily. Or how in college you identified with a trait that other people liked in you, you were the achiever or the party animal. Now you see that is just one way you can show up and be seen. 

On a smaller level, you may believe you suffer from specific limitations. Like you are not a multitasks or you are an introvert and fearful of social situations or you have to wait until this specific thing happens before you can be happy. All of these little lies keep us safe and comfortable as well as limit our potential. 

In most cases these stories are stories that were told in our childhood about our capacities, our identity, and our relationships. And in most cases, these stories are lies we continue to tell ourselves and don’t even realize we are doing it. Magically, when we decide to confront these lies, limitations and obstacles fall to the wayside and we suddenly grow exponentially! 

I will share some of my stories with you. I would love to hear yours in return. 

As a teen I believed I was undesirable. Secretly, I also narcissistically believed I was so desirable boys were intimidated by me (due to idealistic praise from my mother). Neither of these beliefs were true. Yet, I operated under the first, fearful of owning my desirability. This story, that no one desired me became a self-fulfilled prophesy. I seemed desperate for attention from boys yet standoffish and fearful. It was not until I dropped this story (both conflicting stories really) that I began to enjoy dating and meet a lot of guys that were interested in me. 

As a young adult, I secretly believed that I had to have a successful marriage by fixing my spouse. Yet, would not work on the issues I brought to the relationship, which were admittedly much less serious than my spouse’s. Though had I worked through my own codependency, I would have easily left the relationship in search of a healthier life. 

As a professional, I both believed I was small and very capable. Yet my fear was what grabbed hold. I held on to the perfectionistic side of the story, that I was not good enough to work in private practice. I felt anxious and almost paralyzed going into each session when I started. I would talk to my supervisor about my fears of not being good enough. The shoulds would return to me daily. It was not until I began seeing the humanity of imperfection that I began to let go of this story, that I had to be perfect to be a good therapist. When I began accepting that my imperfections were what made me a good therapist, that is when I began to flow as a therapist. 

Today I invite you to consider the stories you tell yourself. The black and white thinking that keeps you stuck. Or the fear stories that hold you back and keep you in the comfort zone. How are you limiting yourself?

Want to read more about the stories we tell ourselves? Read "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown! 

Interested in working with me as a therapist and you would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact me at info@bravecounseling.com or 720-923-3033. I work in person in Denver, CO over secure virtual video calls.

I Kick Ass at Life (except this one part....)

A collective theme is in the air. The energy is swirling around women who feel not good enough because of some aspect of their lives that is underdeveloped. For some women it is about dating or relationships, for some, it is about learning to enjoy life without substances, for some, it is knowing and being seen for their strength, for some, it is about starting a family, and for some, it is about owning their career. 

The shame about these perceived weaknesses is palpable in my work with women. Often my clients are minimally aware of the shame in the room with us. Yet, it looms over the two of us, blocking progress and keeping them down and stuck. Like an abusive partner, telling us we are already not good enough, why bother trying, there is no way we could ever do any better. 

And this shame monster holds us captive, paralyzed. 

The thing is, shame is coming from our own body, soul, and psyche. We do this to ourselves. There is no abusive partner, no one holding us back other than ourselves. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we getting in our own way?

The trouble is shame is elusive and meta. It is the feeling we feel about the feeling. And often is it what keeps us from turning anger into action. We are taught as children about the basic emotions: sadness, anger, excitement, and happiness. But we are not taught about shame. Shame feels like heavy. Shame feels like warmth in our head and knots in our tummy. Shame keeps us immobilized. 

Check it out, think of a time in your past when you felt ashamed but did not want to share it with anyone because you felt different. Remember how you kept it to yourself? Remember how it kept you paralyzed and afraid someone would find you out? Remember how you tried to forget about it? How was it resolved?

Next week we will discuss how we come to these perceived deficits or weaknesses. Today, let’s start by taking an action step to release the shame. 

Today I am challenging you to share your shame with one trusted friend. The only way you will recover from this shame monster and take forward movement is by not isolating in your pain and fear. It could be a close friend, family member, or therapist. You are not alone, everyone has perceived deficits or weaknesses. Explore with your trusted confidante how keeping this to yourself affects you. 

For more on the topic of shame consider reading Brene Brown’s books: “The Gifts of Imperfection,” “The Daring Way,” and “Rising Strong.”

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

Feeling Alone in Your Pain

You know logically that you are not the only one who struggles with X. Yet, you feel so isolated in your pain, like you are the only one to ever experience X. It feels like no one gets it, no one has been through it, no one knows how to help you get through it. 

When you feel this pain, it is often a signal that you need to talk more about your struggles and more honestly. It does not mean you dwell, but it does mean accessing the strength to be vulnerable with your close friends and share your true story.

Why is holding you back from sharing your true story? Did you cheat? Do you feel ashamed of the way you behaved? Do you feel like people will judge you or won’t get it? Jot down your fears about sharing your story. Then jot down your story. 

Decide who you can trust with this story. Maybe you need to see a therapist or coach to start telling your story. Or maybe there are a select few you can talk with such as your mom or some close friends. Be brave and share your story with them. You can start with the easy stuff and then slowly ease into the tough stuff. Trust that those you love will love you regardless of your struggles. Those that judge are struggling with something in themselves and are not good confidantes for this time in your life. Forgive them for their own lack of capacity at this time and look elsewhere for support. Try to dedicate 60 minutes a week at least to talk about your pain.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you may trust too many people with your story or spend too much energy trying to talk it out with people. In this case, you will need to start a new strategy with your pain. Pick 3 people to discuss your struggles with and spend no more than 30 minutes a week with each person talking over the pain. Outside of these times, do not focus on it. Find ways to distract yourself and focus on what you are doing. Start new hobbies, plan new trips and get togethers with friends, start a new project, start a new class, whatever to keep you from dwelling. 

You are not alone. You will find people understand and can empathize. Trust that your gut can show you who is best for support. Trust that you will be supported if you put yourself out there. Your intentional energy will spark the healing process. 

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

Change Happens Through Experience (not just talking)

The field of psychology has gone through many stages, fads and changes in the years since Freud. While many of the newer styles of counseling still refer to older theories such as Freudian or Jungian work, there have also been some dramatic changes to our understanding of what actually works in therapy. 

What we know now that we did not know back in Freudian time is that change happens through experience. The brain is complex and involves different modes of function. Briefly, the brain has three major sections, the reptilian, mammalian, and prefrontal cortex. The reptilian is responsible for responding to danger and basic instincts. The mammalian responds to more emotional needs. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for our more evolved functioning such as talking, analyzation, abstract thought and consciousness. 

This is important for us in terms of psychology and healing in that we need to respond to traumatic memory or wounds from our life through all areas of the brain, not just the prefrontal cortex. Historically, we have only tackled the prefrontal cortex - through talking about our troubles and experiences. While this is a piece of the work that needs to be done, it is absolutely not the whole picture. We also need to access and heal through the reptilian and mammalian brain. 

How do we access these other two areas of the brain? Well because the mammalian brain is responsible for emotional functioning, we access through emotional focus. And with the reptilian brain, we must access the body and senses as an informer and healing agent. The repitiallian brain is linked directly to the nervous system. We check in with our struggles and goals and how they resonate in our nervous system (how our body responds). Once we access our body and nervous system, then we can truly heal through experiencing something different and allowing our nervous system to heal and then our brain to heal as well. 

What does it feel like to heal through experience and the body rather than through talking? If you have ever been to talk therapy and felt you have gone in circles for years trying to work on the same issue, you know there has to be a better way. Think of when you had a powerful experience with someone that gave you permission to try something new or think differently, then all the sudden you saw life differently or began to release a limit you once had. Or think of a time that you cried or felt an emotion so deeply or felt a shift in yoga or meditation and all the sudden you changed in a way you couldn’t have even imagined was possible. That is what body focused therapy healing feels like. There is no touch necessary from the therapist, it is simply your own accessing of a level of depth in yourself much deeper and more healing than just talking. 

Simply put, change happens more quickly and with more ease through experiences with the body. 

If you are interested in learning more or would like to try out a body focused session, contact me at kim@bravecounseling.com or 720-923-3033. We work in the Denver and Boulder, CO area over secure virtual video calls. 

Why Can’t I Just CALM DOWN?!

Do you ever think “I am an adult, why can’t I just calm down?” Do you ever wonder why it can be so difficult to just let something go or stay calm in the moment? You know you SHOULDN’T get angry or nervous, but you can’t seem to control yourself no matter what you say to yourself. 

The answer to this mystery lies in the brain’s functioning. It happens that there are actually several parts of the brain that control our responses. Disclaimer: This is a very simplified explanation of the brain. Essentially we first developed our brains as reptiles, then developed the mammalian parts of our brain, then the human. Both these older more primitive parts of our brain function just as our most evolved brain. 

The older parts of our brain (the reptilian brain) function as danger response systems. Our brains may perceive danger as anything from a threat to our relationships, a predator attacking us, or loss of a job, etc. And it responds physically to this danger no matter whether the danger is physical or relational. 

When the reptilian brain responds to perceived danger, it tends to hijack the other functioning of the brain. This means when your body responds to the reptilian brain’s danger alarm, it takes over to keep us safe - usually through fight (anger) or flight (anxiety). While the mammalian brain and prefrontal cortex are still running, they are not in our control. That is why we experience lashing out or obsessive thinking, often worrying. 

The more evolved area of our brain - the prefrontal cortex can veto signals of danger. This is often achieved through practice of awareness and response to our bodily reactions (primitive brain’s response to danger). Over time, the prefrontal cortex more efficiently and effectively vetoes the brain’s chemical response to danger. Turning off the fight or flight response, allowing us to calmly and logically respond to challenges and stress. 

This is a large component of the work I do with many clients, guiding them to respond and regulate their brains, bodies and nervous systems to most effectively respond to stress and challenges, especially when they are feeling triggered and unable tocontrol their mind body responses. 

If you are interested in reading more on the subject, I recommend books and publications by Pat Ogden and Janina Fisher.

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

The Truth About Thanksgiving & Honoring the Culture of Gratitude

“...this idea of the gift-giving Indian helping to establish and enrich the development of the United States is an insidious smoke screen meant to obscure the fact that the existence of the country is the result of the looting of an entire continent and its resources.” - Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz 

“The most fulfilled people are the ones who get up every morning and stand for something larger than themselves. They are the people who care about others, who will extend a helping hand to someone in need or will speak up about an injustice when they see it.” - Wilma Mankiller

Part 1: The Truth About Thanksgiving

Every story has many sides. When it comes to the history of Thanksgiving many of us were taught just one perspective, the perspective of the colonizer. We didn’t get the whole truth of what happened many years ago, so it’s important to take the time now to learn. 

And we get it. You might be wondering what the history of Thanksgiving has to do with healing and growth work for women, but trust us it’s connected! 

For many Indigenous Americans, Thanksgiving is a day of mourning and protest because it marks the arrival of colonizers and the centuries of genocide and oppression that followed.

The first Thanksgiving gets portrayed as this friendly harvest festival where Pilgrims and Indians came together to eat and give thanks. The truth is, the first Thanksgiving wouldn’t have happened if the Wampanoag People hadn’t helped the English settlers have a successful first harvest. Really, the gathering was more about honoring political alliances, diplomacy, and the pursuit of peace –sadly this mission of peace and the agreements and treaties that were signed were ignored shortly after the first Thanksgiving in 1621.

It’s easy for people whose ancestors didn’t experience oppression and genocide to say things like, “Let it go, that was 400 years ago!” but what gets missed is how trauma lives on in the body and gets passed down from generation to generation. 

We can see that trauma and unresolved pain from our past present today - all we have to do is take a quick look around - so many of us are not well - we are stressed out, burnt out, addicted, depressed, anxious, etc.  

Here’s how it all connects: the trauma from the past lives in ALL of us. Whether we like it or not, we are all swimming in the same soup - a post-colonial, patriarchal, racially-biased bisque. 

Those of us who are White carry the trauma of inflicting violence, or passively watching violence be inflicted, onto other living breathing souls. Indigenous people (along with other people of color) carry the trauma of being lied to, enslaved, and killed. 

As we embark or continue on our healing journeys, it’s inevitable that we will uncover intergenerational trauma living in our bodies. When we take the time to learn and integrate knowledge on this type of trauma it helps us identify it, work with, and release it which each person living on this Earth needs. We ALL need each other to release old pain and defense mechanisms that are getting in the way of us being our most loving, resourced, expansive selves. 

So, thank you Brave Woman, for reading at least until this point and taking the time to unlearn and educate yourself. For further learning and unlearning, here are some great resources:

1. “An Indigenous People’s History of the United States” by: Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz

*if you can, pick up a copy at your local bookstore or library!

1. The Smithsonian National Museum of the American Indian - https://americanindian.si.edu/ and  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPEuQNp0nII

2. Courageous Yoga - 200 Hour Sacred Activism Teacher Training - https://www.courageousyoga.us/teacher-training

Section 2: Honoring the Indigenous Roots of Gratitude

The idea of giving thanks was and still is central to Indigenous people. Long before English settlers arrived, Native tribes across the land practiced gratitude as a way of life. They took time daily to appreciate not only the good things in life like family, community, and the riches of the land, but they also appreciated their struggles and lessons from Mother Nature - the things that challenged them initially but ultimately created growth making them stronger, wiser, and more loving. 

As many of us have seen, gratitude has become a buzzword in the modern health and wellness space and it’s the theme most commonly associated with the month of November. Instead of hopping on the gratitude bandwagon because you’re hearing and seeing the word everywhere right now, we encourage you to slow down and honor the roots of gratitude. 

The truth is, that gratitude is an ancient practice that has been appropriated. Gratitude is a way of being that Indigenous Americans truly embody. It’s not about making gratitude lists, or going around the table and saying one thing we’re thankful for, it’s much deeper than that.

To practice gratitude in a way that is honorable, effective, and powerful we must: 

1. Understand & honor the indigenous roots of gratitude - this helps shift us from cultural appropriation into cultural appreciation

2. Learn how to embody it - meaning, we must feel the respect and appreciation in our bodies 

3. Focus the energy of our gratitude toward WHO we have in our lives and HOW things have happened vs. what we have or own

Check out the following embodiment practice (10-minute guided meditation) to help you get started in a more honest & honorable gratitude practice.

Part 3: Embodied Gratitude Practice

In this "Embodying Gratitude" meditation, you will be invited to bring to mind an experience or a person that you are grateful for. You will be guided to focus on how that experience or person has contributed to your healing and growth and to locate and feel the sensations of gratitude in your body. This meditation is useful for learning how to embody the energy of gratitude so you can access it again in your life outside of meditation.

Embodiment of Gratitude - Guided Meditation: https://insig.ht/7jvlw7f0SEbutm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=live_stream_share

If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

How to Pick a Great Therapist

At least once a week I go through the process of helping people find good options for therapists. It is very difficult to navigate the world of counseling when you are not familiar with it. And often you really need someone who is specialized in a certain way to really make progress. For example, I don’t work with couples, so when couples contact me, I refer out to other therapists who specialize in working with couples. So I decided for this week’s blog I would write a guide for finding a good therapist. Here is a step-by-step guide:

1. Decide if you want to use your insurance or not. If you have insurance, you can either go with a therapist that is mostly covered by your insurance (in-network) or you can use your “out of network benefits.” This decision will most likely be made based on what you can afford. Most often therapists that do not participate in insurance plans are sought after enough that they do not need to participate in insurance plans to get business or they prefer not to interface with insurance plans. Additionally, therapists who do not participate in insurance plans usually have a certain number of clients that they will see for a reduced or adjusted fee (sliding scale) based on your income level. Often the experience and expertise of the therapist is reflected in their rates per session. 

   1. IN-NETWORK - If you use an in-network therapist, the sessions will be covered aside from a copay. You can call your insurance company to find out what your copay for outpatient therapy is. 

   2. OUT-OF-NETWORK - Call your insurance company to find out what percentage of your fee they cover and what deductible you may have to meet before you receive reimbursement for sessions. Some insurance plans do not have out-of-network benefits. You will most likely file your own claims to your insurance company with receipts from the therapist. Then your insurance company will reimburse a portion of your fees.

   3. PAYING OUT OF POCKET - Sometimes you will want to choose a therapist based on their expertise and will be willing and able financially to pay for the services even if you don’t have out-of-network benefits. Coaches’ services for example are not reimbursed by insurance. 

   4. SLIDING SCALE - Many therapists have several slots for clients who cannot afford their full rate and will adjust your rate to match your income

2. Specializations: Now that you have an idea of whether you will use insurance or not, start considering what types of specializations you need or want in a therapist. You may want to research some of these different specializations before looking up therapists. Here are some aspects to consider:

   1. gender - would you like to work with a man, women, or LGBTQ clinician

   2. focus on age - do you want a therapist that works exclusively with your age group

   3. diagnosis - you may have seen a psychiatrist and know you have a specific diagnosis that you would like to work on. do you want a therapist who specializes in that particular issue

   4. modality or training - would you like to work with a therapist that has a specific training or uses a specific technique. there are a range of techniques available to work in. Here are a few of my favorites, feel free to contact me for further recommendations about techniques:

      1. EMDR - for trauma and very stuck patterns you can’t seem to stop

      2. Art Therapy and Dance Therapy - especially helpful for children, trauma, geriatrics, and those who tend to be intellectuals and struggle to connect with more creative and intuitive living

      3. Somatic Therapies - Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Hakomi, and Somatic Experiencing are all focused on integrating the experience of the body and mind to heal trauma and break through limitations and negative belief structures

      4. DBT - great for suicidal ideation, self-injury, and emotional explosiveness

      5. Gottman - for couple’s work

   5. spirituality - would you like a therapist with a similar spiritual or religious background or approach

3. Zip code - In terms of actually looking a therapists up, here is how you do it:

   1. go to www.psychologytoday.com and find the link for “Find a therapist” 

   2. put your zip code in and how far you are willing to travel from your zip code, you can always expand your search

   3. put in the different details you are looking for in a therapist (as described above) and remember to put your insurance company in the search if you want to try to find a therapist that takes your insurance plan

Some advice from a therapist in your search:

1. Word of mouth versus looking up a therapist - It can be helpful to talk with friends and family about therapists they know as opposed to just starting from scratch. 

2. Trauma-informed and attachment-based - I highly recommend you look for these buzz words in therapists’ descriptions of themselves and their work. These two terms imply that the therapist has had more recent and advanced training and is not still working from Freudian techniques

3. Don’t be afraid to shop around. It is a service, don’t be afraid to try a few therapists before deciding on one. And if you start working with someone and don’t think it is a good fit, tell them and switch to a new therapist.

4. See a therapist that specializes in the concerns you want to work on. Don’t waste your money on a therapist that works with everyone and everything or it may take years longer to work through the issue you want to work through.

5. Find a therapist that works in a strength-based approach and spends time on celebrating victories as much as they focus on processing issues. 

6. Ask for a free consultation before paying for a session to see if it is a good fit.

7. Your therapist will prob recommend working together once a week to start. I recommend this as well. It is important to build a relationship. 

Signs you are working with a great therapist:

1. They collaborate with you and don’t believe they know your life better than you know your own.

2. If you feel the therapist is shaming you or is overly biased towards your opinion consider moving on.

3. You should feel like your therapist gets you within the first 3 sessions. And that when he/she doesn’t get you, you can bring it up. Your therapist will never be perfect and you will need to be honest when they are off track. 

4. You feel both nurtured and challenged.

5. You feel SAFE! If you feel uneasy and don’t feel comfortable bringing it up with your therapist, you may want to see if you feel the same with another therapist. This may be more about something you are dealing with or it may be about something you are feeling from the therapist. 

6. Your therapist focuses on obstacles to your growth rather than diagnoses.

7. You feel inspired to come back even if it feels like hard work. You feel hopeful. 

8. You feel your therapist is present with you. 

9. You don't feel like you may be wasting your money.

Should you have more questions or want more advice about this process, you can contact us. If you are interested in learning more and would like a free 20 minute consultation, contact us at info@bravecounseling.com. We work virtually with clients throughout the Denver and Boulder area and all throughout CO.

Welcome to Brave Embodiment Counseling

My name is Kimberly Massale and I am honored to share my deepest thoughts, opinions, and work with you. My vision for this blog is to provide information on healing and life from a psychotherapist’s perspective. I hope to share much of my own journey along with the knowledge I have learned in training to become an therapist. My highest intention is to show up energetically as generously as possible, to provide the public with the insight of a psychotherapist that has done her own work and continues to evolve daily. My hope is that you may benefit from the information I share. 

I will tell you a little bit about what brought me here. I recently moved to the Denver, Colorado from the Washington, DC area. While we love the challenging intellect of the DC area, my partner and I needed a change of lifestyle after both living in the there for much of our adult lives. I grew up and lived in the area my entire life in fact. Though neither of us had jobs, we both knew we needed to heed the universe’s signs and take the risk to move. We drove cross country touring for about a 15 days and finally landed in Denver. 

I have felt the shift of energy in my body after finally landing in Denver. I know I made the right decision to nourish my soul. The snowfall and mountains are confirmation. Much of my younger adult years, I felt an internal conflict between being me and being what others wanted me to be. I am after all a therapist for a reason, I can chameleon to adapt to what people expect of me. Though conforming is energy sucking and overtime, I realized the need to stand fully in my being and let my true essence be seen. So I followed my heart, switching from an engineering major to art, trusting my path would unfold if I followed my passion and gut. And then I found Art Therapy as an option for graduate school. That is when my life truly began to feel mine, like I a found my calling and I could really start to engage with life. I started to soar. 

Meanwhile, I broached difficult topics as a client in many types of psychotherapy approaches. I worked hard to work through social anxiety, phobias, fears, and self-esteem issues. While I gained from these talk therapy approaches, I never really got traction. At times as a young adult, these issues were debilitating. I could not understand why I struggled so much, I had a very kind loving family that was always supportive. I had no trauma. There was literally no reason for me to have these issues. But I kept at it, continuing to walk my talk. If I was going to be a therapist, I had to do my own work to heal, no matter how long or difficult the process.

I met soul sisters in the Art Therapy world. One professor became a mentor. Post graduation, she suggested I work with Amy Tatsumi, a classmate of hers, for my post graduate supervision hours. My relationship with Amy would change my life. She gave me the permission to learn how to take space and heal. She put me in touch with her colleague to do long distance video coaching. This was the moment my life changed dramatically. I was going through a divorce at age 27 after an 8 year long relationship and had become very depressed. The coach was trained in a somatic approach (much like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy which I have since trained in) and “The Daring Way” which is the work of Brene Brown focused on shame resiliency. I started healing and changing. 

I began learning that these traditional diagnoses given by psychiatrists, that still rule our psychology world, do not account for developmental trauma or even trauma properly. The relationships are not a part of the diagnostic process either. That these components of psychology are perhaps more important than the cubby holes of diagnostics we use. People are constantly misdiagnosed as having ADHD, Bipolar, Borderline, Depression, and Anxiety and their real issues are based on their early childhood experiences and relational patterns as adults. I learned that healing comes from exploring your interrelational patterns, somatic patterns, energetics, and faith. 

And HEALING IS EXPERIENTIAL! You can’t heal without a reparative experience. You can talk till you are blue in the face about what you struggle with, what you want to change, and how you can’t change AND guess what, you won’t change by just talking about it. You have to experience something different. When I began to experience new ways of showing up in the world, that’s when my life changed for the better. I released depression, I released anxiety, and I could be fully seen as the true me. 

This was over 10 years ago now. And since I have continued to learn and grow spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am living the life I want to live now and know how to reach goals I have for myself. My energy aligns with my core essence. And I share healing with those I work with now.