Why We Struggle with Emotions and How to Shift Your Perspective
Have you noticed that actually SO many of us struggle with emotions?
It’s true, it’s not just you!
We can look around our nation and easily see that we, as a people, are not well. We are more stressed out, strung-out, and burnt-out than ever, and even though we get told that being stressed out is normal, and drug addiction is a disease…those narratives are not true. What is true, is that many of the “ailments” we struggle with as a society stem from our collective inability to be with, regulate and process emotions.
Believe it or not, emotions are a fundamental part of the human experience, even though so many of us have been taught to view them as obstacles or inconveniences. We have learned to resist, suppress, and even fear them, believing they are too overwhelming, dangerous, or a sign of weakness. But, what if emotions aren’t the enemy?
What if, instead, emotions are valuable guides, here to teach us, protect us, and connect us with our authentic selves?
In this blog, we will explore why we tend to struggle with emotions, where our resistance toward emotions comes from, and how to reframe emotions as powerful tools for self-understanding and growth.
Why We Struggle with Emotions
Instead of being critical of ourselves for struggling with emotions, let’s be curious about it instead! After all, most of us would agree that we aren’t actively trying to struggle and we’d much prefer to proceed with ease instead, so check out the list below to get a sense of where our collective struggle with emotions stems from:
Cultural Conditioning: In the United States, cultural norms play a significant role in promoting emotional avoidance, shaping behaviors and attitudes from childhood through adulthood. Unfortunately, emotional avoidance is linked to many mental health struggles due to very normal and naturally occurring human emotions going unprocessed and needs going unmet. Here are some common societal norms that encourage emotional avoidance:
Stoicism and Independence - American culture values stoicism and self-reliance, emphasizing the importance of handling problems on your own without showing vulnerability.
Productivity and Success - There’s a strong focus on productivity and achieving success in U.S. culture, which leads to the perception that emotions are distractions that need to be managed or hidden to maintain efficiency.
“Good Vibes Only” - There’s an emphasis on positivity and optimism which discourages the open expression of negative emotions and a tendency to downplay or avoid discussing negative feelings.
Privacy and Personal Space - There’s value placed on privacy and individualism which leads to the avoidance of deep emotional discussions which can be seen as intrusive or inappropriate.
Gender Norms - U.S. gender norms dictate that men should be tough and unemotional, while women are expected to manage emotions discreetly to avoid being labeled as overly emotional or hysterical.
“Keep Your Cool” - There’s an expectation to always maintain your composure and avoid public displays of emotion which promotes the idea that emotional expression is best kept private.
It’s important to note that all these cultural norms are deeply rooted in patriarchy. In patriarchal systems, emotions, especially those perceived as vulnerable (sadness, fear, empathy), get categorized as feminine traits when really they are human traits. These American cultural norms reflect a patriarchal system that has historically devalued emotional expression and positioned it as a weakness, particularly when contrasted with traits like rationality, control, and independence, which the patriarchy has claimed as masculine. It’s also important to note, that even though these norms are patriarchal values, they harm people across the gender spectrum, because ALL humans are, by nature, emotional creatures.
An additional prominent root from which emotional struggles and avoidance stem are past relational experiences and fear of pain and discomfort.
Past Relational Experiences: Our relationship with emotions is shaped by how our caregivers related to their own emotions and responded to our feelings as children. Take a moment and think back…How do you remember your caregivers relating to their own emotions? What messages do you remember hearing in reaction to your emotions? Many of us grew up in homes where the adults rarely, if ever, expressed their emotions, and, in moments where emotions did get expressed they often came out in a way that was volatile or explosive teaching little observant kiddos that emotions are scary, dangerous and lead to disconnection. In addition, many of our own emotional expressions got reacted to with messages like, “Stop crying!” or “Suck it up” or “Calm down!” Messages like this teach us that certain emotions are unacceptable or burdensome to others. All of these past relational experiences can lead to a lifelong pattern of suppressing or ignoring emotions to maintain harmony, avoid conflict, and maintain connection.
**Again, it’s important to note that many of the ways our caregivers related to their own emotions and reacted to ours were shaped by cultural norms and conditioning which, as previously mentioned, are rooted in patriarchy.
Fear of Pain and Discomfort: Our nervous systems essentially operate by interpreting sensory and emotional experiences as either pleasurable (safe and enjoyable) or non-pleasurable (stressful, uncomfortable, or threatening). This binary perspective is rooted in its evolutionary purpose – to help us survive by steering us toward safety and away from danger. Because we are human we will experience a range of emotions and some emotions can feel physically and mentally uncomfortable. Anger might bring tension, fear might tighten the chest, and sadness can feel like a heavy weight. Because our nervous system categorizes experiences as either pleasurable or non-pleasurable, we instinctively avoid feelings that fall into the non-pleasurable category because our brain associates it with threat. In reality, very few of our emotions arise to communicate a true life-or-death situation. It takes co-regulation and brain/nervous system training to discern between real and perceived threats which we “should” be learning how to do in childhood from our caregivers, but unfortunately many of us were raised by emotionally avoidant adults and therefore missed out on gaining these emotional skills and tools.
Reclaiming Emotional Expression
To experience better mental health and overall well-being it’s important to begin challenging these American cultural norms and dismantling the patriarchal ideas that devalue emotionality. Here are a few ways to begin challenging and dismantling:
Normalize Vulnerability: Instead of getting uncomfortable and looking for a distraction, try celebrating emotional expression as a human trait. No, it's no longer a weakness or gendered characteristic like we’ve been taught for decades, emotional expression and vulnerability are simply human!
Value Emotional Labor: Because of what we’ve been taught about emotions in U.S. society, emotional labor is severely undervalued when really it’s crucial to health and well-being. We need to begin recognizing and compensating emotional care as critical work, particularly in relationships, workplaces, and communities. Without it we are all much worse off physically, socially, emotionally and spiritually.
Foster Emotional Literacy: Since American culture is teaching us the opposite of what we truly need to be well and thrive, we need to start taking back our power by getting accurate information out there when it comes to emotions, health and wellness. Teaching emotional awareness and regulation from a young age is crucial to break cycles of suppression and struggle.
Center Collective Care: Far too many people feel alone in life. This feeling alone directly impacts mental and well-being because as a species we are designed to connect and be part of a collective. We need to find ways to shift our focus away from individualism (that doesn’t mean you have to completely let go of personal competency or independence) and focus our efforts on building healthy interdependence, where mutual emotional support is given and valued.
Closing Thoughts
In a culture like ours in the United States, where emotional expression is often minimized, dismissed, or labeled as weakness, it’s no wonder so many of us struggle to navigate our feelings. Yet reclaiming our ability to feel and express emotions is not just an act of personal healing – it’s a cultural shift toward authenticity and connection. By shifting our perspective to view emotions as allies rather than adversaries, we take back the power to fully experience and process life and in doing so we gain and experience more freedom than ever before! Embracing our emotional selves allows us to break free from the constraints of emotional suppression, fostering deeper relationships, greater self-awareness, and a healthier society where vulnerability is seen as a strength. It’s time to redefine emotional expression as a vital part of being human, not something to fear or avoid.
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